Opening doors

Someone once said to me, "When god closes on door he opens another." at the time I hated that expression. It was meant to give me comfort at a very hard time, but I did not want to be comforted, I did not want a lesson about god, and I certainly did not want that door to be closed. What I wanted was for the change that was happening to not be taking place. I still visit that memory from time to time. So much has changed since then and I came to really appreciate the intention in the expression. In the book I am currently reading, "Writing Yoga", by Bruce Black he discussed asana practice as opening doors to your body; your body is a room and each pose opens a door to that room and let's you see another side of the room, another side of yourself. This took me back to the expression from my past. Bruce's analogy just gave a whole new meaning to the expression. One that fits better to the person I have become today. Bruce doesn't mention closing any doors just opening new ones as a revealing of sort, as least that I what I am taking from it. I like this idea. I like the idea of not closing those doors of our past because that gives the feeling of some sort of finality to it. Those things aren't final; those things shape who we are, we constantly have those things with us-in out hearts, in our memories-however we chose to carry it. It's good to remember where we came from.  Yoga is all about opening up. Opening your heart, your mind, and your body. Nothing about yoga is closing, so I chose to keep my heart, mind, body, and doors open. I want to be open to new possibilities, to change, to love, to compassion, and to every detail of those things that remain behind the doors of my past. Today's practice intention it to opening the doors that were closed. Namaste

"but I'm not flexible"

Often when someone tells me that they are interested on yoga the next thing that follows it is that inevitable, "but I am not very flexible." Almost every person that I have spoken with that has never done yoga says that. I can understand why though. Western yoga gives off that air. I really wish I could put into words just how much more there is to yoga than "stretching" and "flexibility", but if that is what takes you to yoga then please understand this-yoga can make you flexible. Like working out helps you to lose weight. You have to start and keep practicing and it will happen. Also like working out you will come to find that yoga provides so many more benefits that you weren't even looking for. Yoga isn't a "religion", it doesn't even have to be spiritual if you don't want it to be. Yoga is what you make it. What one asana may mean to me may mean something else to you. The point I am trying to make here goes back to non-judgment- don't judge yoga, don't put preconceived notions in before you try it- and try it more than once. It is not very often in life where you can get to the true nature of something by a one time encounter.  If you read my blog then you read my post about crow pose. This I still struggle with, BUT I keep going back. In yoga Monday night the instructor gave a lengthy instruction on the pose and how you can use a prop. (Thanks Jay!!) I just got done working on it. I did it for no more than a minute. I was immediately frustrated from the start. You cannot get anywhere with that. So, I did not judge and I moved on. My vow is to spend a few minutes everyday just meditating in the pose with the block building, up to the full pose itself. This is my point my friends; I have done yoga for about 3 years now and I still struggle, but I don't judge I just try. Sometimes that is all that we can do...just try and don't judge when our mind gives it's biased opinion of where it thinks we should be. We are were we need to be with everything we need to have. Maybe tomorrow I will be in crow pose...but maybe not. And I am ok with that. This is what my yoga has taught me. 

Vipassana

I empathize, sympathize, or whatever-a-thize with people by relating using my past experiences, especially in troubling times. I have recently realized that this may make me seem like a know-it-all, but all I want is to help. I try to show people what worked for me or what I was told worked for someone else in hopes that it may work for them. I do believe that humans have an innate sense of community and often use that to get through hard times. Sometimes it really just helps to know that you’re not the only one and you’re not alone. Just look at how many things are “group” centered.  BUT, in the same sense, to really get through the hard stuff you have to get inside yourself.

Vipassana is a form of meditation that is an insight into the true nature of reality. It is a quiet practice that allows you to explore your own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness. I won’t go into great detail of this, but if you are interested here is a good link:

http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1465

I have read about it in both Buddhist teaching and yoga teaching. It particularly hits home to me since this is very much what I am working on and it presented itself to me in my current reading. I love when that happens, you know you have stuff on your mind, your working through it, and the very tools that you need present themselves. Do you know why that happens? It is because everything that you already need you have; you just have to open your eyes to it or just be open to change, hard work, determination, and self revelation and/or transformation.

As an adolescent I struggled with anger and depression and still, from time to time, I forget how to fight that fight…or maybe I give up, get tired, who knows, but it is always a fight…a conscious fight. When I stop being mindful is when I lose sight of the truth or reality. Like I said in my last post, I lose the habit of letting the bad stuff go and I get in the habit of dwelling on the bad. For those of us who have depression it is very hard to see, face, or admit what we are in the middle of, who knows why, but it is what it is. This blog was started in my attempt to get through one of those times in an inward journey using my yoga teachings. I am making myself “explore my own essential nature with the aim of recognizing and eliminating the cause of unhappiness.”…Vipassana. I am doing it in a public forum by some off chance that someone else may read this, relate to it, use it, and find some help in it…you know…it’s that innate sense of community I was talking about and my immense amount of love that I have.

Sometimes I think my sadness inside comes out because of that love that I talk about. In my inward journey I have realized that this often happens when people that I care about are hurting or going through something that I cannot help with. It is honestly really hard to give out ALL the love and compassion that I feel for them, especially those that are far away, but the ones that are close too. It’s a funny thing that all that love can build up and come out as anger too. It isn’t as bad as when I was a kid, but it does get very frustrating to have all this inside and to feel like there is nothing to do with it and sometimes not even know what “it” really is. So, I am not dwelling on it, I recognize it, and let to pass like the clouds in the sky. (Or write it in this blog) I try not to judge myself for it and love myself for who I am.

"Keep coming back, it works if you work it"

So, I started a yoga blog 4 days ago as a way to deepen my practice. I got the idea from doing my usual daily yoga research because…well honestly…I am obsessed. What’s funny is…I have not done any asanas, you know the physical yoga practice that everyone thinks of. I have been reading about yoga, trying to live yoga off the mat, but no mat practice. Of course I now have guilt running through my veins. This morning I was reading someone else’s yoga blog and read that she too has been off the mat for a few days. I still feel bad though, but no worries I have yoga with Jay tonight…my favorite. J The thought about not doing yoga for days takes me back to the idea of non-judgment and diets. I have also been bad on my “diet” for days. I use the word diet as in the food that I eat, not that I am “dieting”. I eat healthy, no fad diets. I feel my body paying for my mistakes, but instead of judging myself and feeling all bad I am going to recognize the mistakes, move on from them, and not repeat them. So I ate badly, but I won’t continue to eat badly, I will not gluttonize myself-not that I really ever have, but just see it for what it is, say hello, and move on about my business. It’s like the thoughts that arise when meditating; see the thought, but don’t focus on it, and, as Jay has taught, let pass by like clouds in the sky. This is my belief on a little key to happiness; recognize the bad, whatever it is- a bad day, an argument, bad food, mean person, anything that troubles you-and move on from it, don’t dwell on. I know, I know easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. The more you do this the easier it is. BUT in the same sense, the more you don’t practice it, the easier it is to dwell on the bad stuff and stay in the bad place. So essentially, you gotta fake it in order to make it. This is an expression that used to irritate me because I do not believe in faking anything, but it’s true to a point, at least for this point.

It is not unusual for me to be reading several books at once. I have books that I read for pleasure-currently that is the Shades of Grey books, but they are on hold for my “research/pleasure” books- these are listed here on my blog. This is because I also have a habit of always doing many things at one time. Each book serves a purpose, a very different purpose. What book I want to read depends on what I want to focus on at the time. At this moment it is “Happy Yoga” by Steve Ross. He says, “For others, the study and dedicated practice of yoga starts a chain reaction that often leads to the relinquishment of a heavy load of self-imposed miseries.” If I could pass on one thing that I have received from my yoga practice it would be this nail on the head-hitting statement. I cannot say enough that yoga is not just being physically flexible; it is a way of life, yoga is transforming. I have had more mental stretching or toning than the physical changes that I was originally aiming for. It took a lot at first; the plethora of things that I went through in the beginning made me want to give up (I still feel this way sometimes-especially looking in the mirror while practicing), but I can be quite stubborn (ask my mom) and I didn’t give up. It’s just like life; you cannot give up just because it is hard-life isn’t easy and you won’t get results. Just like the AA slogan, “Keep coming back, it works it you work it”…or however that goes. Such is life…and yoga!

The concentrated, determined crow

Just the other day, on the apartment floor, an impromptu yoga practice took place. This was not like my normal home practice where I decide in the morning or the evening that I will do some sun salutations or follow a video of some sort. It was a playful practice that I shared with one of the most special people in my life. I can't even remember at this point how we ended up playing around with poses on the floor, but there we were. I was explaining how crow pose (which is an arm balance) it particularly hard for me, but one of my favorites- I actually have too many favorites to even include the word “one” in a phase with the word “favorite” :) In any case, I squatted down and began to ease into the pose, sort of explaining as I went. As I began to look up, I looked over and there he was beautifully anchored in crow pose. This really made my heart smile. He has an interest in yoga, but no practice as of yet, but there he was in all his glory, in crow pose, oh beautiful crow pose. It was that moment that I learned what it really felt like to share a practice. Until that moment my only yoga companions where people I happen to place my mat next to in a class at American Family. I have never really shared a practice with a non-stranger. Although there was no vinyasa style flow (this where poses will flow from one to another in conjunction with the breath.) to this practice, it was more just hey check out this one, this one is hard for me, this one is good for your back, or this one is a favorite- it was still yoga and I loved it. For the first time I was a teacher and a student; showing a pose, but also getting insight on what I could do better. I tried a few more times, falling over as usual, but there was no judgment it was all just yoga and companionship. I tried to explain side crow-I cannot even begin to show it- and again, up he went. I loved to see how his body allowed him to do what I could not; knowing that my body would allow me to do what he could not. Vast differences, but still no judgment- it was beautiful. I don't know how else to explain it. I am a sucker for "differences" coming together for a common purpose. That is a yoga moment I will never forget.

I bought a new yoga book last night. I opened it first thing this morning right to crow pose to continue my insight into my flight with the crow. The book says under the mental benefits that, "When you are practicing this pose, you have to evaluate how much of your body weight you can place on your arms and hands." Immediately the word "weight" catches me, it is such a sensitive word for me. I don't like my weight, so without judgment I chuckle at myself and move on. It goes on to say, "If you place too little weight on them, you will not be able to lift your feet off the floor. After a period of testing and hesitation, one concentrated, determined movement will lift you into the pose." Wow-I know we are talking about crow pose here, but doesn't this reflect life? If you put to much or too little "weight" on one thing you get stuck, but with concentration and determination off you go. This is a lesson to me; this is why crow is hard for me. I need to lift that weight off the stuff that I am stuck on, concentrating with determination to get my feet off the floor. Yoga isn't just about physical flexibility; much of it is getting the mind flexible.

 Crow Pose

Getting to the core of the problem

In an effort to deepen my yoga practice and take a good, deep look within myself I have decided to journal and blog about my yoga practice. So, day one and I have not practiced any asanas (physical poses) as of yet. It is a common misconception that yoga is just "stretching". Sure that is part of it; however, there is so much more that is combined with the asanas (or stretches for those who think this way) that makes up yoga. Of course, for each "yogi" the practice is different. Many of us start out with different reasons for stepping on the mat. Maybe you start with yoga, as I did, as just a form of exercise. Some may stay with that practice or it can evolve into more of a self practice, an inward journey, as it has for me. There are so many different types of yoga and many ways to teach it. I have taken many classes, some I liked, some I really did not like, but some were simply what I made them. I have found what works for me and I love what my practice has brought to my life, so I want to share what I have learned with those that I love and care about. One thing that we are taught in yoga is non-judgment. This is something I struggle with...not my judgment of others per say, but my judgment of myself...on and off the mat. Which brings me to my other point-for me yoga has evolved into a way of life, not just some stretching that I do on a mat. It has taught me to carry what I learn on the mat into my life...like non-judgment both of myself and others. It has taught me to honor that which is beautiful in everyone. I admit that I judge...come on we all do, but I have also always had an insane amount of love for EVERY being, it pours out of me-mostly in the form of tears. Me and my “love” is actually something my family and I laugh about; bugs as pets, dead kittens in my pocket, I am sure there are others. It took me a long time to learn how to deal with this. I acted out a lot when I was younger. I believe it was mostly because I had all this stuff inside that I didn't know what to do with it. It would make me mentally and physically ill. As I grew up I learned how to deal with the "symptoms" of all of this, but yoga has really taught me how to get to the core of what is ME on the inside and embrace all of what I find without judgment. About 6 months ago I really began looking into becoming a yoga instructor. It has yet to come to fruition and the last two weeks has made me thankful for that. I am not ready. I need to deepen my own practice, learn more about what yoga really is to me in order to really be a benefit, at least the benefit that I hope to be, to my future students. Yoga is THAT important to me. Just like me becoming an elementary school teacher, I have to first learn how to be a good student in order to be a good teacher. In the right time it will happen and I know that time has not yet arrived, so until then I will make the most of being a yoga student. The timing for that couldn't be better...I need my yoga right now like my body needs water. I am making an inward journey to get to the core of me and my mat will take me there. Please step on my mat with me or unroll your own and lets dig in to the deep depths of who we are and bring that yoga off the mat and into the world.